About four and a half years ago, we had just gone through a transition. Our second church had not gone well, it split and we had started a new church. We were six months into New Life and things were going great. I had always loved writing and, having been through a lot in a short time in the ministry, I had developed a heart for minister's wives. We had gotten to know some people at KBC and they knew I was a writer. I was asked to write for the new Homefront blog for minister's wives and I knew that God had opened this door for me to do something I enjoy and reach a group of people I love.

No one told me exactly what to write, just to write about things that PWs deal with. That was easy enough. I wrote about pressures on preachers' kids, figuring out my role as a PW, dealing with people in church who hurt you, being yourself, embracing your own skills and gifts, and so much more. And I always tried to be honest and real. In sharing my own journey, struggles, successes and life, I hope I helped or at least entertained our readers.

PWs are a special group. I am honored to have been one for around ten years and I am even more honored to have had a chance to write for such a great, diverse, talented, giving and all-around amazing women. I loved it when people commented on a blog, often agreeing, sometimes disagreeing, but always engaging and sharing. I appreciate your reading. I am no one special, just a woman who never imagined she'd be a preacher's wife managing that role the best I could. And, like a good PW, I am now embracing our latest transition as my husband goes back into teaching high school.

My journey as a PW may be over, but others are just beginning or are in the midst of their journey. We PWs need to support, love and encourage one another.  And while I will no longer be blogging, the blog will continue with Kasey Beckham as the blogger. I'm sure you'll learn more about her and the future Homefront soon.

Thanks for reading. I have been blessed by getting to know some of you on the blog and in person. I will miss this blog and you. And now, as I close, a song we often sing at the end of our Shepherding the Shepherd confernce has come to mind....

May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my heart's testing
With Your likeness let me wake.

God bless,

Pam

As Kasey takes the reins, we'll be transitioning to a new blog platform (WordPress) and a whole new look.  We'll let you know when the new blog is launched so you can join us there.

Ladies, keep on blogging.  We appreciate your comments and your readership.  Again Pam, our prayers and fond thoughts are with you.  Please keep blogging with us and let us know how you are doing. Thank you again. ]]> http://www.kybaptist.org/kbc/blogs/mw.nsf/dxcomments/.htm http://www.kybaptist.org/kbc/blogs/mw.nsf/dx/.htm?opendocument&comments Wed, 16 Jun 2010 19:51:00 -0400 http://www.kybaptist.org/kbc/blogs/mw.nsf/trackback?open&id=06162010090943PMWEB3DM.htm http://www.kybaptist.org/kbc/blogs/mw.nsf/dx/06162010090943PMWEB3DM.htm Pam Cassady http://www.kybaptist.org/kbc/blogs/mw.nsf/dx/06162010090943PMWEB3DM.htm?opendocument&comments http://www.kybaptist.org/kbc/blogs/mw.nsf/dx/06162010090943PMWEB3DM.htm So, for the first time in around 10 years, I'm faced with the question of where to go to church on Sunday morning. Since Scott became pastor of Dallasburg Baptist Church in Wheatley in 2000, we've chosen a church based on it being the place he pastored. Easy enough. Now, he's not a pastor and we've got to figure out where to go next. This is not something I'm looking forward to.

For one thing, New Life, which we are leaving, is a really awesome church. I love the people, the music, the atmosphere...everything. If I were looking for a church in this area, New Life would be my first choice. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are many good churches around here, but I'm not sure there are many quite like New Life. Could be I'm a little partial since we helped start the church, but it really is a great and unique place. It would be so much easier to find a new church if we really didn't like the one we are leaving, but I can't complain bacause I feel blessed to have been a part of the first five years at New Life.

One of the first questions people ask upon finding out Scott is no longer going to be a pastor is "where will you go to church." And we have discussed this. We've got a few on a short list that we plan to try, but at this point, we really don't feel pulled in any one direction. Scott is most concerned about the preaching and wanting to be feed solid, Biblical truth by someone with a gift for sharing the gospel. But we both want to make sure it is a place that will be good for the kids. We don't want it to be too far from home because that makes being involved more difficult. I enjoy the contemporary praise and worship music, but don't want to be in a place where I feel like I'm at a rock concert.

It's a time of transition for us. While we want to take our time and find the right church for our family and go where God wants us, we don't want to take too long. Visiting a new church each week is tiring. It would be very easy to just decide to stay home one Sunday, then another and then another. When you are the pastor and his famliy, you pretty much have to go to church. No have to for us any more.

While I say I'm not looking forward to the search, I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for us. It will be nice for Scott to just enjoy being a member instead of the pastor. It will be nice to not have the pressure on us of being the pastor's family. And it will be nice to, once again, find a place we call our church home.

To be honest, I'm not sure how you can avoid making friends in a church. It's almost sort of bound to happen. When you become the pastor and family at a church, you're often in a new place. Church is gong to be one of the main places you begin meeting people. If you work, you have that, but the church is your husband's work, so obviously that is where he's going to meet most people. You're together for so much, from Sunday school and VBS to mission trips and special events. You just spend time with your church members. As you do, it's only normal that you are going to make friends with some. And children often bring you together. Your children become friends so you start hanging out and spending more time together outside of church. Or maybe it's someone older in the church who you admire and trust and you begin to form a bond.

I'm so glad I've had friends in churches. They make the good times more fun and the bad times a bit more bearable.

Now, here is what you have to watch out for. One thing, just because you are friends with a certain person or people, you can't just hang out with them. As the pastor and the PW, you need to be "friends" with everyone. You can't just stick with one group and ignore everyone else. Second thing, you have to watch out for people who want to be your close friend just because you are the PW. I've never had that happen, but it can be dangerous if someone befriends you just to use you or get dirt on you. So you do have to be careful. Don't just rush into a church and buddy up with the first person who shows you any attention. Proceed with caution. And that leads to one of the biggest....you really can't always tell even your closest friend in the congregation everything. You have to have some boundaries.

A couple of examples. When things were really bad at our second church (which ended up splitting) I had a couple of pretty good friends in the church. They knew things weren't good and while I would admit that to them, I never went into the details or talked about any specific people. And when Scott was going through various times of considering doing something else with his life, I didn't share that with my church friends. And toward the end, when he was really getting serious about going back into teaching, it began to get hard to not share that with friends. But some things a PW just has to keep to herself, at least for a while.

Now, there are execptions to every rule. If you can't keep your mouth shut and tend to share too much info on a regular basis, you might need to think twice before becoming close friends with church members. And if you have been in a church for years and have really close friends, you may be able to tell them everything. Trust is build over years.

And on the topic of friends, it is fabulous if you have a really good friend who is not in your church. I am blessed to have two very dear friends from before I was even married. They've never gone to a church where we've served and don't even live in the same towns, and I can tell them anything. I can let them know what's really going on and how I feel and when I am hurt and afraid and angry and doubting and all those things that we have to put aside sometimes. Having those two old friends is huge.

And you know, having other PWs to talk to is great as well. We can understand each other like no one else. And we understand how important it is to take what we hear and lock it away.

So, PWs, go out there and make friends. Make lots of casual friends that you enjoy being with and doing things with, and then, if it works out, make a few closer friends over time. If you're lucky, you'll keep those friends for a lifetime, whether you stay at one church or move on.

As I was thinking back over the years, I was thinking how much these people have come to mean to me. I looked around and say many who have been with us from the start and many newer faces as well. These people are our friends and they are like family to us. When we left the old church and were homeless and jobless, they gave us  a home and a job. They moved us in and out of a parsonage and mobile home and finally into our house. They've fed us, given us money, taken us out to eat and watched our children. They've traveled with us and spent whole days at the church with us.

I remember when we left our first church. I cried as I said goodbye to some of our closest friends. We were moving several hours away and I knew that while we would stay in touch with some, we wouldn't see them very much at all. Now we are leaving the church, but we'll still be in the community. I was thinking the other day while I was in Dollar General Store, though, that I don't really see a lot of church people out and about. Sure, I'll run into some one now and then, but it won't be the same as seeing them every week and worshipping together. I"m sure we'll stay in touch and get together and such. After all, these people are our friends and family. We may be leaving New Life, but we can't leave them.

I'm excited about the next phase in our lives, but I will miss being a part of New Life. It's a very special place and the people there are the best.

And to those who say pastors and their families shouldn't make friends with people in the church, I say that's crazy. But that's a topic for another blog....

I'm pretty used to being the preacher's wife. Held that title for around ten years now. I'm used to people sort of expecting me to do certain things, act a certain way and believe certain things. I realized there would be certain expectations involved with this position before I even got started. The night my husband was licensed to preach and was about to go off to seminary, he preached at the church we were attending then and they held a reception for us. The pastor of the church and his wife, a wonderful, older couple, hugged us and wished us well.As she hugged me, she asked, "Do you play piano?" When I said no, she looked a little bewildered and said something like, "Oh, well that's ok." I've mentioned this before because I thought it was both amusing and a little scary at the same time.

So, when we got our first church, I didn't exactly know what I was supposed to do. I didn't play piano and I didn't sing solos. I had just become a stay-at-home mom and moved from Louisville into what really was the middle of nowhere. I wasn't a great housekeeper or cook or entertainer. Wasn't sure what my role would be. I've been very fortunate that the churches we've served in have pretty much let me make my own role. While I knew I was pretty much expected to be involved, exactly how I was involved was left up to me. And so, during my year's as a preacher's wife, I've been a choir member, VBS worker, preschool teacher, Sunday school teacher, Bible study teacher, and women's ministry coordinator..

But whatever my role, I was always the preacher's wife and that meant one thing...people watched you. They watched me in church, they watched me at home, and they watched me at work and in the store and at the ball park. People watch people in the ministry. Am I gonna laugh at slightly off-color jokes? Am I going to listen to certain kinds of music or watch certain movies? How will I handle it if my children misbehave. When my husband says something about our family while he's preaching, people will turn around to see my response. When people come to my house, I think they may expect it to look a certain way.

That's what we call, life in the fishbowl. We are being watched. It was a little weird at first, but I've gotten used to it. And now, I'm going to be out of the fishbowl and the thing I've been wondering is how will that affect how I act and live my life. As I think about that, I believe it shouldn't mean I change a thing, because although I will no longer be a PW, I will still be a Christian and really that should have been what was guiding my life to begin with. In general, what should a PW do or not do that wouldn't apply to a Christian in general? Maybe no one will be watching me any more, but that doesn't mean I will act any different. And in a way, don't all Christians live in a fishbowl? Maybe I'm not getting out after all....

Pam

This is really important for preacher's kids (PKs). Unfortunately, in the midst of being raised in a family devoted to serving God, PKs can come to resent the church and even God. If they see that the church takes their Dad away from them all the time, they're not going to like the church. If their Dad is always saying he'll do something with them and then having to cancel because of church work, they're not going to like the church.

Now, it is important for PKs to realize that sometimes their Dad is going to have to be at church in the evenings or make an unexpected visit to the hospital. That's just part of the job. But if Dad has to cancel something with the kids, he needs to reschedule quickly so they see that it is important to him. And sometimes, it's good if they see Dad say no to something so he can be with them. Yes, there are emergencies and events that the pastor can't say no to, but there are some things that can be missed or can wait a little while.

It means the world to kids, PKs or not, when their Dad spends time with them. My husband has been on vacation this week because the kids are on spring break. I've still been working, so he's got to spend a lot of time with them. They've camped out at their grandfather's, played games, gone geocaching (a hobby they enjoy), and just hung out.

Ministry is a consuming profession. It's easy to get very caught up in it. If your husband is too busy, remind him that after God, his family is the most important thing in his life. And pray for him that he can manage his time wisely and remember to make time for his children.

Is time for family a problem for your husband? Or do you have any advice or suggestions for making time for the kids? Hope to hear from you soon!

Five years ago around Easter, we embarked on a new beginning when we joined with a group of people and started New Life Baptist Church. And what an amazing journey that has been. I've talked about it on here before, but we started with about 30 or so people meeting in a garage, then moved to the local school gym and grew to around 100 and finally purchased an old grocery store, turned it into a church, and now we're having around 240 each week.

It's amazing what God can do and Easter is a great time to reflect on that. It's a time to think about how much God has done for us and how much he has given us. Sometimes I forget about that in the midst of the busyness of everyday life. But at Easter, I remember, and I'm thankful.

The next MIT is coming up April 8-10 in Louisville. If your spouse has been terminated, resigned under pressure or is experiencing extesnive ministry stress, get in touch with Karl Babb or anyone in Pastoral Ministries at the KBC and find out if MIT is for you. All expenses (lodging, meals, mileage) are paid for both you and your spouse. The retreat helps in so many ways. It provides encouragement and support for ministers and their spouses in the midst of their stress. And it helps you know that you are not alone.

I remember at  MIT, for one thing, we were just able to get away. That alone was so nice. And then to be with others who understood what you were going through was great. We spend time sharing and learning from one another. The KBC leaders who run the conference are so kind and caring. They listen, understand, offer words of encouragement and wisdom and pray with you and for you. As a pastor's wife, I enjoyed the time with other wives and being able to share all my frustrations, fears, angers and other feelings in a safe environment. When you're going through a tough time in ministry, it is only made tougher because you really can't talk to many, if any, people about it. But at MIT, I could let it all out.

Ladies, you know if you and your husband need this. Tell him about it and find out more. It's worth it. Really it is. When we went to MIT, my husband truly was a minister in transition. MIT helped make that transition more smooth. We dealt with what we had been through and began to heal from that while beginning to embrace the next chapter in our lives and ministry.

If you're interested, contact KBC quickly. The next retreat is not too far off. And if you've been to MIT and want to share your experience, I'd love to hear from you on here. Let us know what it meant to you.

Quiet doesn't last long around here. Now Caleb is up and soon I'll begin the tasks of getting us all ready to go out the door. I've been meaning to blog for a while, but seems like there is always something going on, and I am addicted to the Olympics. I don't like weeks when there is something to do pretty much every night. I find myself looking ahead to a night when I can finally just be home and relax. Tonight I've got to go to the Chamber of Commerce Dinner. Tomorrow night Sarah has a birthday party. Saturday night some we're having dinner with friends. And Sunday night, going to dinner with the women's ministry team to make some plans for upcoming events. Whew. In the midst of all that there are all the normal things like work, church, kids' basketball games, laundry, cleaning the house, going to the grocery, and, oh yeah, getting a bunch of stuff ready to sell in a local childrens consignment sale. I know your lives are just as busy and crazy. No wonder we long for quiet time and no wonder God encourages it. He knows we need it.

Well, it's time to get going. Gotta get Sarah out of bed and that is no easy task. Then there are clothes to get ready, lunches to make, backpacks to pack and out the door we'll go. Have a good day and enjoy those quiet moments when you get one.

10.) On our date night I just need to make a few hospital visits.

9.) I think I should go back to seminary.l

8.) It's funny how God always calls a pastor to a church that pays more.

7.) I noticed your family went to bed early last night.

6.) I  can't believe the pastor's wife would do (or say or think) that.

5.) If it were my child I would want to know.

4.) Are you visiting with us today?

3.) I have been asked to do a funeral/wedding/baptism.

2.) Dear Lord, thank you for our pastor and his family.

1.) Well done my good and faithful servant.

Obviously, some things on the list we really do want to hear and others, not so much. Number 9 was familiar to me. I thought my husband would never get out of seminary and when he did he started talking about going back. He hasn't mentioned it in a while, thank goodness.

So tell me which ones resonate with you? Funny or serious. Or add your own to our list.

The first year we came here we’d only been serving at our first church for less than a year. Scott was still in seminary and we’d moved to what I termed the middle of nowhere (Owen County) and were just getting our feet wet in the ministry. I was excited about where we were, but I felt very underprepared and equipped to be a pastor’s wife. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how to do it. We came to Shepherding and I saw that pastor’s wives came in all ages, personalities, abilities and so on. I realized that I was not alone and that there were others who understood what I was going through. I was also thrilled that there was such an awesome conference for pastors and their wives. We loved the music, messages and everything. And we enjoyed just relaxing and being together. The conference was just what we needed.

A few years later we came here during a very difficult time in our lives and ministry. Things were not going well at all at the church we had served at for just about a year. Scott was miserable and contemplating leaving the ministry. I was frustrated, angry, hurt and scared. I wondered why we were even in the ministry and sometimes wished we weren’t. It was not a good time, but we came to Shepherding, and I met others who understood what we were going through. I heard messages of encouragement and I managed to sing songs of praise in the midst of a terrible storm. Coming to Shepherding didn’t solve all our problems, but it helped us get back on our feet a bit, relax a little and remember that even in the darkest hour, God is with us. The conference was just what we needed.

The last couple of years (and this year), we’ve come to Shepherding during a good time in our lives and ministry. The church we helped start almost five years ago is doing great. We have been very blessed. And we’ve lived in the same house for over two years (for a while it seemed like we moved every other day). We come here and enjoy reconnecting with friends, listening to great speakers, learning some things we’ll hopefully take home with us and praising God for who He is and all He has done. Oh yeah, and we eat. A lot. This conference is just what we need.

Well, time to go now. Tomorrow morning I’ll head down to enjoy a great breakfast and then the sessions. Friday night is date night and Scott and I are probably going to head out for dinner and a movie. Then Saturday, we’ll have another tasty breakfast, enjoy more sessions and then head home. We’ll have relaxed, enjoyed spending time together and been refreshed. The conference will have been just what we needed, just like it always is.

I have no problem saying "I don't know." Here is what the article was talking about. You're at church and someone asks what the children are supposed to wear when they sing that evening. You have no children involved and are not involved yourself, but you are somehow supposed to know this because you are the pastor's wife. You're at home when the phone rings and someone wants to know whether or not the church has any crystal candlesticks and how many. You have no idea, but you are supposed to because you are the pastor's wife. And how about this... You in Sunday school and someone remembers an interesting passage they once read in the Bible. They ask you where to find it. You have heard of the passage, but have not idea where it is, but you are supposed to because you are the pastor's wife.

I remember when it finally dawned on a friend of mine that just because I was the pastor's wife I didn't know everything that was going on in the church. She had asked me something one day and I didn't know. She asked me something else another day and I didn't know. Seems like not long after, she again asked me a question about something going on in church and I couldn't answer it. "You really are out of the loop, aren't you?" she asked jokingly. We still joke about it and sometimes she'll start to ask me something and then say, "Oh, you probably don't know."

Sometimes as pastor's wives, we're expected to not only be in the loop but know where the loop is, what color it is and how it works. And I do believe that as the pastor's wife I should have a decent knowledge of our church and what is going on in it. But as to knowing every detail about everything, well, that's just not going to happen. In smaller churches this is expected even more. If you're at a really big church, there is no way you can know everything. But even at a smaller church, just because you are the pastor's wife you shouldn't be expected to be the answer queen.

It really is ok to not know everything. And it is ok to admit it. If I'm at church and someone asks me a question I don't know, I'll do my best to find someone who can help them. But some are surprised when I don't know. And they are even more surprised when my husband doesn't know, and even he doesn't sometimes.

Admitting I don't know everything, or even much of anything,

Pam

I think I blogged last year about not really believing in new year's resolutions. They are so quickly made and so easily broken. But I always do think the start of a new year is a great time to look back at the past year and think about what you accomplished or didn't accomplish and then set some new goals or recommit to previous ones. I've kept a journal over the years and the sad thing is, as I look back, many times what I want to accomplish is the same each year. Here is a typical list: lose weight, eat better, exercise, read my Bible more, pray more, be a better mom, be a better wife.

2009 was a pretty good year for me in some areas. The losing weight and exercising actually happened after having that as a goal for many, many years. I've dropped around 50 pounds (praise God!), exercise on a regular basis and feel more fit and better than I have in a long time. You know (and this is kind of a side bar), God gave us our bodies and we really should take care of them. Now, I am still no advertisement for the perfect picture of health and fitness. Not by a long shot. I like food, I still eat tasty, bad-for-me food, just not as much or as often as I once did. And while I am in better shape, I'm still no athlete. But I know that I feel better in general and plan to continue this trend in 2010.

While I did well in that area, others not so much. I started the year with the goal of reading through the Bible in a year. I got off to a great start. Was getting up early every morning to read and enjoying it. But somewhere around April, I missed a few days, then something else happened and then I got involved in a couple of Bible studies at church and my daily reading through in a year just got lost. Now, I will say the women's Sunday school class I teach has gone well and we've done three or four studies. And our women's ministry is picking back up. So those things are good, but I did let down on that morning Bible reading that really was good for me. As for praying more, can't really say I've done that.

Being a better mom and wife, not real sure about that either, though I will say that being in better shape has give me more energy with the kids and anyone with kids (one 8 the other 11) knows you need all the energy you can get. I rode bikes with them this year and that was great fun. Better wife, guess you'd have to ask my husband, though a little extra energy could also help my relationship with my husband I guess. ;)

Now that it's the start of 2010, I'm thinking once again of what I'd like to accomplish this year. Even though it is sometimes discouraging when you've tried to accomplish the same things over and over and feel like you're getting nowhere, the Bible gives us hope. At the start of a new year, I think of the verse about how in Christ we are a new creation, the old has passed away and the new has come. The isn 't just a one time event, it can keep happening as you keep giving more to Christ. And I think of how in Christ all things are possible.

So, tell me about your 2009 and what you hope for in 2010.

Happy New Year!

Pam

Sometimes now that I am older I miss some of the traditions we had when I was a child. This Christmas Eve service is one new tradition I am very happy we have developed.

And now, I wish you all a merry Christmas. And on Christmas Day, in the midst of all the gifts, food and celebration, let's all remember the reason we are celebrating and what Christmas is really all about.

Merry Christmas

Pam

Last year we didn't have an open house. Just didn't feel like it. But this year I was ready to go and yesterday and today have been pretty much full time prep. I've got cranberry cookies, lemon cookies, cookie dough truffles, meringue surprises, ham rolls, peanut butter fudge, veggies and chips and dips, brownies, meatballs and more.

I did an open house at our first church. Basically, it was and is just my way of wishing our church family a merry Christmas. I can't get everyone a gift, so instead we clean house, do a lot of cooking and welcome everyone into our home for food and fellowship. It's a lot of work, but I enjoy it. I'm really looking forward to it this year because we've got a lot of new families in our church and I hope they come. I also love how the house looks about as close to perfect as it gets when we do open house. Everything is clean and the clutter is put away and the Christmas decorations are out. It's great.

Well, I think I am about ready for bed. Tomorrow will be a busy day but it will be a good one. Hope you are having a great Christmas season. And if you have special holiday celebrations or traditions you want to share, please let us know about them.

About to OD on sugar,

Pam

So after we talked about all the stuff we do to get ready for Christmas, we talked about how all of that stuff isn't what we should be focusing on at all. Getting ready for Christmas is about focusing on the real meaning of Christmas and preparing our hearts to celebrate the birth of Christ. In our society, it is so easy to be distracted by all the things going on around the holidays, but as Christians we should keep the focus on the reason for Christmas.

We shared a few ways families can focus on the real meaning of Christmas. Things like having a family advent ceremony, going to special services, telling the Christmas story and such. I remember when I was growing up, my cousins and I would always put on a little play telling the story from Luke 2. We would do our play, then our family would sing Silent Night. This was all before we would open our gifts. It was our way of taking time to remember why we were celebrating.

You know, pastors' families are just as likely to get caught up in the busyness of the holidays as anyone else. Maybe even more so because Christmas is a busy time for those in the ministry. It takes effort keep our families focused on the real meaning of Christmas. If you have any thoughts on how to do that, I'd love to hear them.

Getting ready for Christmas, hopefully the right way,

Pam

One of our regular bloggers, Stephanie, gave me the idea for this blog. She emailed me to say she is doing a Bible study for minister's wives called "In Our Shoes." She said one of the first activites suggested in the study was to make a list of things you like about being a minister's wife. She thought that would make a good blog topic and I agreed. So here goes...

I like that I get to know so many wonderful families and be a part of their lives.

I like that my husband is devoted to God and serving him.

I like that I get to see and experience how God can use a church to make a difference in the world.

I like that I can be myself in our church and they accept me.

OK, that's a start. Now you all add some of your own and we'll see what all we get.

Liking being a PW,

Pam