Q: Please say a word about divorce prevention from a biblical point of view. I hear about all kinds of problems that can cause divorce and am interested in saving my marriage.

A: I think you are wise to focus on marriage before considering divorce. Jesus told the Pharisees that Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. In most cases, you might find that someone (or both persons) have experienced a “hardening of the heart” before a divorce happens.

When Jesus was approached about the permissibility of divorce, he changed the subject to the purpose of marriage. In Jesus’ day, women were essentially property, and the argument that raged hottest among the Pharisees was about whether or not a woman could be dismissed “for any and every reason.” Jesus’ answer is a strong rebuke to those today who would trade one spouse in for another due to boredom or other trivial pursuits.

The purpose of marriage, according to Jesus, (Mark 10:2-16) was three-fold:

(1) First, to reflect the image of the creator. The first chapter in the Bible concludes with the idea that “in the image of God he created them, male and female he created them.” The question we ask ourselves, therefore, is, “does my marriage reflect the glory and image of God?”

(2) Second, marriage is to provide an increasing sense of safety, a palpable sense of the joy of knowing and being known. The second chapter of Genesis includes that idea of intimacy and nakedness, in ways physical, psychological and spiritual.

(3) Third, a sense of permanency. When we look at our beloved, it ought to be with a view to the years and decades yet to come, of forming all the stages of life together. Marriage ought not to be about looking for greener grass over the fence. It’s about watering the grass on your side of the street.

There are no magical formulas to this. Marriage is life in community, a community of two. Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s jewel of a book, Life Together, is about how to live as a church in community. The greatest insight about marriage is to read everything that the Bible says about how to live in community and apply those teachings to marriage.

For example:

* “Owe no one anything except to love” and “outdo one another in brotherly love” is a great principle for marriage. As the old hymn says, “love is the theme.” It keeps us from keeping score.

* “Be kind one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another” is central. You don’t need to leave things untended for days, weeks, months and years on end. Mend the hurt as soon as you are aware of an offense. In practicing kindness, many hurts will be prevented, and in practicing mercy, many offenses will be forgiven.

* “Whatsoever things are true, lovely, of good report…think on these things” can mean that when we fill our minds with good thoughts about our spouse, good actions will result.

* “Wash one another’s feet” and “let this mind be in you that was also in Christ Jesus” means that we are to have humility in the daily serving of one another. Jesus gave up his right to power and emptied himself. When both partners model Jesus, miracles happen.

* Agape love, sacrificial love, as described in 1 Corinthians 13, is not primarily for weddings. It is primarily a recipe for how to live in community, whether a community of hundreds or a community of two.

* Prioritize what was important to Jesus: Love God; love one another. That about sums it up.

When two people, bound by covenant, energized by affection, strengthened by honoring one another’s place in the family of God, both living in the example of the crucified and risen Christ, seek to make all decisions out of love, the question will almost always not be one of getting permission for divorce, but rather one of strengthening the bonds of love in community. If that is true with all of the biblical passages as they relate to the church, it is certainly also true when you apply those same verses to the two-person community we know as marriage.